no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
