you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
