i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
