You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my shit smells like andre
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
