I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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