dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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