Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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