just come out here and I will go home with you...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just found a bag of teeth...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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