You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
