i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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