My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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