I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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