having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
