I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
