My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
