I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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