Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
