I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
