can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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