Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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