last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
