And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
