I want to make a zoo with you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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