shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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