I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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