Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
