I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
