im having a threesome with these popsicles
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
