peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's never too late to be topless.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
