I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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