so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
