the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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