omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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