my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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