just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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