I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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