Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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