my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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