I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
