If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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