my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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