Your mouth is God's brothel.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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