We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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