I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
