put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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