$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
