I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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