I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
