I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Someone signed my nipple.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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