mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
