so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
