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the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
