Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
