U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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