I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
