He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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