guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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