You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
