her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
