Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
